How to get over your first love (and other people)

Saturday // May 7 // 2016

If you’re wanting to get over your first love or a recent breakup, my heart goes out to you. That is tough, tough stuff. It’s one of those things in life that really reminds us that yes, in fact, we are human. 

 

The hard (but doable!) part:

 

Know that you’re not alone.

Love and breakups are universal. When you get your heart broken, it can feel like this is such a personal thing. Have compassion for yourself for experiencing a hard aspect of being human.

Firstly, feel it.

If you’re sad? Feel sad.

If you’re angry? Feel angry.

If you’re confused? Feel confused.

 

Know that feelings are ever-changing.

It was once explained to me perfectly how to view feelings. Think of a movie: When you’re watching a movie, one minute you feel happy, the next you’re laughing, then you’re crying, then you’re happy again. Feelings come and go like waves; they change.

When you’re going through a breakup, it’s natural to think: “Will I always feel this way?”

You won’t!

You won’t even feel this way the whole time you’re going through the toughest part. Even if in your mind you were sad all day, there were probably moments where you saw your dog and your feelings went to love, or your friend sent you a funny video and it made you laugh. 

Be conscious of your feelings and notice when they switch to feelings of joy, happiness, gratitude, clarity or excitement and relish in those moments.

Feelings will come and go, they are there to simply be felt.

 

Express what you’re going through to people you trust.

One of the hardest things to do is to go through a breakup and for the people around you to be unaware of it. You fake smile, fake enjoy yourself, when all you want to do is cry.

Use this breakup or letting go of the past as a chance to grow closer and have a more open relationship with your friends or family.

It helps to know that the people you’re with also know what you’re going through. Even if you’re out and about with them and not talking about the the relationship, just knowing that you aren’t hiding something that’s taking up a lot of your energy will give you a sense of ease. It will also allow you to groove into the present moment because it will help you to get out of your head and into what you’re currently doing or experiencing. PS – in the present moment is where joy can happen!

Talking to someone like a friend, coach or therapist can also give you a broader perspective of the relationship. Sometimes taking a step out of your own mind makes you realize why this breakup or letting go is so beneficial for you.

 

Express what you’re feeling to the other person (up to your discretion). 

One of the ways that can keep us from moving on is not fully expressing our truth to the other person. Maybe we walked away from the relationship trying to be the cool girl or guy, rather than expressing how we really felt.

Let yourself off the hook for not saying the perfect thing to them during the breakup.

In the moment, especially if you didn’t know it was coming, chances are you acted out of fear or ego, trying to play it cool. What can keep us from moving on is knowing that we didn’t speak our truth. Not for the other person’s sake, but for our own.

Although it may be hard, express yourself to this person. Not in the sense of trying to win them back, but express whatever is true for you. 

If you can, set up a time to express your truth to them after the breakup. If it’s been a long time and getting in touch doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, write them a letter in your journal. You don’t even need to send it to them, just getting out your truth may be all that was needed in order for you to let it go.

 

Accepting he or she is not your person (at least not for right now).

If you’re fresh off a breakup, one of the things you’re most likely thinking is: How do I get them back?

As much as deep down we know that they aren’t right for us, it’s hard for us to imagine not being with this person in a romantic way.  If you’re finding it extremely hard to accept that he or she won’t be in your life, or how they used to be, quiet your mind by telling yourself that he or she is not in my life in this form right now. We don’t know what the future holds, and if this person is highly beneficial for you and your path, they will come back in some shape or form.

People come into our lives at the exact right time. Whether they are a soul mate, a best friend, or a teacher, they come in to teach us what we need to be taught or to experience in order to grow. Some stay with us forever and others come in for a short, beautiful time until they are no longer part of our journey.

Why breakups, especially with a first love, can be so hard is because it’s extremely difficult for us to accept. When you’re with your first love, you picture a clear future of what your life will be like and over time that’s the only future you see happening. Why wouldn’t you? You’re in love, they’re in love, seems to all make sense.

Accept that they aren’t your person, and if they are, you will be with them again if they’re the right person for your continued growth.

 

Forgive + Let go.

Forgive this person for now showing up in the way you wanted them to.

Forgive them for being young (if they were young).

By forgiving them, you are letting yourself off the hook; you’re allowing yourself to let go.

This is one of my favourite forgiveness mediations (number 4).

If you’ve been unable to let go of someone because they feel like a soul-connection or soul contract, check out this video by my dear friend Vienda.

 

Create a new vision for the future.

What are your unique goals, dreams and passions?

I remember after my first real break up I was completely anxiety-ridden about the future. Everything I had thought of for my future was taken away. It wasn’t the breakup that rocked me as much as the fear of:

‘What the heck do I do now? What does my future look like? Yikes, I can’t even see one.’

When your future now feels unknown that’s scary stuff! Give yourself compassion. Going through a breakup and learning to create a new vision for yourself can be filled will all sorts of overwhelm.

The good news is, within the unknown, when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Now that you have more space to create a new future, you can go for the dreams that feel right for you. Travel to the place that you’d love to go to, move to the new city that you’re free to move to, go on a date with that cutie at the coffee shop.

When we open ourselves up to new possibilities, the world brings us an abundance of opportunities.

Continue Reading…

The Truth about Cheerleading

Friday // April 29 // 2016

Last week I watched the movie Eddie the Eagle and it reminded me that I don’t bring to light something that was the catalyst for everything; for believing in myself, for following my heart and creating a drive inside me that anything is possible.

When I was in the 4th grade I ran into my first experience with bullying. I was short and two of the guys in my class made that very well-known to me. They would pick on me for being small and although my logical brain thought, obviously I’m smaller than you two, it got to me.

I would cry when I got home from school and what you focus on expands: I would go to soccer practice and then realize that yes, in fact, just about every other player was a mile taller than me. I felt inadequate or that something was wrong and it was totally out of my control.

I let that go the best I could and continued on with soccer, but I felt my heart grow further and further away from it. One day my parents got home from a convention where they had learned all about various camps, sports and actives offered for kids in the area; they told me they had met two cheerleading coaches.

I had only seen cheerleading in the movies but it sparked something in me; I had to go to try outs.

During the second day of tryouts, the coaches asked us to line up in a horizontal line from shortest to tallest. “Here we go again,” I thought. Obviously went to the front of the line.

That’s when I realized that being the smallest meant something extraordinary here (in my mind at least): you were a flyer.

Little did my parents know that they had accidentally stumbled upon the single-handed greatest situation for me to be in as someone who was feeling down about her height.

From the very first day of practice, I was in love; obsessed. I couldn’t think about or talk about anything other than cheerleading. This obsession made me dedicated, driven and want to push all limits to see how great of a cheerleader I was capable of being.

Cheerleading is something that I don’t talk about. I mean really talk about. When I’m at a party or in passing and someone says, “Oh you were a cheerleader?!” I smile and nod because I know that what they’re thinking is totally different to what it actually was to me.

 

How do you explain to someone in passing that…

 

This was the first experience you ever had with going for something that was completely in your heart?

How do you explain to someone that this was your first experience with taking risks and learning to trust people to catch you, knowing that sometimes you would fall?

How do you tell someone about something that drove you to be so committed, so passionate and tested your physical and mental abilities more than you even knew was possible yet?

How do you tell someone that it was the single thing that awoke a drive in you and is the reason you won’t settle for anything less, even years later?

 

How do you explain to someone that cheerleading is the reason:

 

I can’t just sit still at a 9 to 5 that I don’t like.

I can’t continue going on dates with a guy if it doesn’t feel right.

I can’t quiet that pull inside me that says: I have to push my limits; I have to see what’s on the other side.

I believe that anything is possible if you have a crystal-clear vision and drive in your heart. 

Cheerleading was the catalyst for sparking the drive inside me that wanted to achieve the unimaginable.

Letting it go

Ever since I was a freshman in high school, I had dreams of going to college and being on one of the best college teams in the country. I did everything in my power, with the support of my family, to be great enough to make that a reality.

Between going into my junior year of high school, and flying across the country for practice, something changed. I no longer felt that drive; that pure, fiery pull inside me to continue to become greater and greater. I felt that it was complete; I was done. The pull was gone.

I had gotten to where I wanted to be and I couldn’t fake that drive that had been there for the last six years. Over night I was ready to let it go, and so I did.

 

The Event I recently put on sparked something.

As I got in the elevator to go up to it, I started crying; I felt like I was walking into cheerleading. Something that had been such a pull in me was coming to fruition.

I never wanted to not have that pull; to continue to have that drive, that passion, that aliveness of going towards something. I honestly didn’t know if I would ever have it again, but putting on the Event showed me that cheerleading wasn’t the drive, it was a catalyst for awakening it within me.

I think it’s why I love helping people through coaching as much as I do. I believe everyone has a drive and fire inside of them that can be awakened and I want to help them experience that.

I remember the look on my cheerleading coach’s face the first time I ever did a stunt right after hours and hours of trying; things never felt the same again.

Throwback to Freshman Year of High School:

 

What has sparked your soul? What’s been a catalyst for pushing you in the right direction? Maybe you haven’t found that yet and that’s ok, you will. If you need extra support in bringing it out, we can work on it together.

How to Name Your Blog, Business or Idea

Sunday // April 17 // 2016

 

I recently received an email from one of our community members who is creating her own dream business. She wanted to know how the name Don’t Tell Summer came about and how she could create a name for her business.

Names are so important, especially for an idea, dream or business you’re passionate about.

I can happily say that after five years (ok that just sounded like the beginning of an anniversary speech), I love the name Don’t Tell Summer more and more each day. The name continues to reveal more depth about itself, more meaning, more passion and more creativity than I ever originally sought out to create. As I grow, Don’t Tell Summer grows.

As I tell the story of how the Don’t Tell Summer name came about, I’ll give you a step-by-step guide on how you can create the heart-driven name for your dream or idea.

 

1. How does your idea feel?

Write down words that describe your idea, even if you don’t know the mission, purpose or what you want it to look like yet. You are cultivating an energy of something you want to create already, so tap into that energy.

When I knew that I wanted to start a blog I felt things like:

Freedom             Adventure

Rebelliousness   Doing what you love

Feminine             Passion

Fearless              Community

Fun                      Surf

I was able to sift through different name ideas and cross-out the ones that I knew weren’t right, because I knew exactly how the blog felt. I knew that the name would need to describe that energy.

 

2. Which comes first – the meaning behind it or the name?

For Don’t Tell Summer, it was a mixture of both, but the name came before I thought of the story behind it. As soon as the name came, I knew why.

 

If you think of the name first, meaning second:

 

A little background story,

I had been synchronistically traveling around with a group of surfers at the end of 2011. My friend and I had met them in San Francisco and when we went back home to Orange County, they too had to be down there. A week later, I was going to Hawaii for my Grandma’s 80th birthday and needless to say, they were going there also at the exact same time.

What intrigued me about them, well a lot did as you can imagine, but what sparked my curiosity was that they had a blog. I had never met anyone with a blog before and didn’t know much about it but after spending a couple weeks with them, I knew there was something that I was ready to create and it would start with a Tumblr account.

I could feel what the blog was about, the depth, the freedom, the rebelliousness, the feminine, fearless, fun of it. I just couldn’t figure out the name.

So I started writing down words that matched how I wanted it to feel. I was throwing around tons and tons of names over the course of a few days until I wrote the words “Don’t Tell”.

That hit a heart-string.

That felt so right on every level.

But Don’t tell what?

Don’t tell who?

I wanted it to be someone’s name, but yet I didn’t want it to be.

Summer popped in. That was it.

From there it all unfolded; everything – the story behind it, the energy. It all started to tell its own story and still does to this day.

Once I knew it was Don’t Tell Summer, the story came. The story of how I had been going back and forth between Sydney and California and kept missing summer because of the opposite seasons. They were the best ‘Summers’ of my life because I finally felt like I wasn’t waiting for something; waiting to feel free, to do what I would love to do and to be myself.

As the brand has evolved, the story and meaning behind it has evolved. If a name feels right in your heart, the story will come as to why you intuitively chose it.

 

If the story or meaning comes first:

Think of words that describe your story. You could include these words in the name of your concept or it could be a phrase that is more of a lifestyle capture of what your mission, purpose or idea entails.

In order to be at the point where you have an idea from your heart, you would’ve arrived to that from somewhere. Write out your story.

Write out why this idea is important to you and the world around you.

Why now? What had to have happened for you to get here?

 

Continue Reading…

How to Turn a Goal into a Reality

Wednesday // April 13 // 2016

 

This post was originally created for the Contiki six-two- blog. 

When we have a big dream or goal that we want to achieve, it can feel a bit overwhelming. This is mainly because we look at where we are now and where we want to be, and fear ensues. We ask ourselves how we will get to that place and stop our dreams in their tracks before we even take the first step.

Achieving a goal or dream is all about following a few simple steps to gain clarity, set yourself up to succeed and have a positive mindset throughout the journey.

1. Get Clear on Your Vision

The best first step to pursuing something you want to achieve is to get crystal clear on what you want. The biggest part with this is that it’s something that you’re completely passionate about achieving. Sometimes we can get so caught up on what we should do, or what we think others would like us to do, that we set ourselves up for failure because we’re not fully invested. The best way to achieve a big goal is to set it on our own terms. It helps to write out your vision while thinking about the following questions:

What would excite me?

What does it look like?

What does it feel like to have achieved this?

Who is there? (Is it just me or are other people around? Do I know them or have we just met?)

2. Set a Time Frame

Whether your goal is to travel, start a business, write a book or try something new, have a rough time frame for when you want it to happen by. Life is unplanned and it will take different turns, but having a rough guideline of when you need to achieve something by is one of the best ways to help you reach it. 

There’s something about declaring when your dream or goal needs to happen by that puts it into motion much faster than saying something such as, “This year I am going to write a book.” When do you want your first 100 pages to be completed by? Set a time frame and hold yourself accountable.

It helps to tell people around you about your goal, as well as when you are going to achieve it by. It can also help to include someone else in your goal. For example, if your dream is to travel this year, chat with a friend who wants to travel as well and set a time frame together of when you will jet off. If you’ve committed to your friend that you’re leaving by a certain date, you will likely follow-through with the things that you need to do in order to make it happen.

Lastly, another benefit of having a time frame is that goals like pressure. If you tell yourself that you have all the time in the world to achieve them, you’ll never do them. Set a time frame and stick to it the best you can. 

Continue Reading…

If you fear being seen

Thursday // March 31 // 2016

 

I’m reading the book ‘What Do I Really Want?’ by Lloyd Lalande. It reminded me of a time when I was in the first grade and had just learned how to do that exercise where you lay on your back and do an air-bicycle. I felt so free.

We came back from PE, sat down to listen to a story and because I hadn’t learned how to contain that feeling of being free, I went on my back and did the air-bicycle. I was asked to go sit down at my desk away from the group. I had never been in trouble before, especially not by a teacher, and I felt my insides crumbling.

I’m not a bad kid? I thought. Why would she have me sit down?

I wasn’t harming anyone, wasn’t looking for attention, I just loved trying the new activity that made me feel free, fun and alive.

My relationship with my first grade teacher never felt the same on my end, I didn’t feel that she saw me for who I was or who I was being.

It’s interesting, especially being in the blogging world, the concept of being seen. Why being seen in all of your truth, freedom or aliveness is often something to fear, rather something to embrace and celebrate. Even posting this, I don’t know how many posts I’ve done, but there is always that little gut-bubble that says, am I ready to post this, and in turn, am I ready to be seen?

Maybe if we recognized that parts of our past taught us to shut out our natural pull to either express who we are, what we desire or how we’re feeling in the moment, we could learn to accept ourselves and move forward the way we always intended to.

When were you told to tone-down your truth, or your pure aliveness?

When did you feel that expressing who you are was shot down?

How would life look and feel if you were to own your freedom? To own the part of you that just comes easily, effortlessly, without shutting it down before it even has the chance to get out.

How can you do this? Self-compassion.

Self-compassion has been one of my favourite topics as of late. I remember when I was interested in learning about self-love there was something that just wasn’t clicking. I felt like I loved myself for who I am, but there was something that still felt missing. It was self-compassion.

By having compassion for the mere sense that you are human, and that everyone around you is human, you can allow yourself to show your true-self to those around you. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, everyone has desires and truth; that’s the beauty of it.

When you start seeing yourself as being a part of a larger community, you can let yourself off the hook a bit more and let out your truth.

 

If the concept of self-compassion interests you, I recommend the book Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff. Incredible, easy-to-read and filled with so many simple techniques that will change the way you speak and act towards yourself, and in turn, allow you to live out more of your truth.